im over it..

Living up to someone else's expectation has been my drama for the last five years of my life. Always anxious to do things perfectly and completely, this situation caused me too much stress that i resorted to stress-eating. I was not aware that every time i hear those unpleasant words, i tend to eat more. Later did i realize that i was gaining too much weight,but i don't notice it, I see my self as the same person, then one day I realized I was becoming larger than I was, bulging belly and layers of fats everywhere.Before, when I shop for clothes, I never try them because I thought I know my size perfectly, only to realize when I get home that its too small for me. I don't look good on clothes anymore, I started losing my confidence. I really think of my self as ugly mother who forgot to take care of herself.

I felt insecure about everything just because of how I look, my family says I look better when I'm fat, but seriously, I doubt it. I think it was my husband who made me insecure, because he always shouts at me, always complaining about everything, from how I do the laundry to my very looks, he says my ears are like side-mirrors, my chin is too long, my legs are too big(muscular), even calls me stupid, like i dont know anything at all, or i can never do things the right way. Before, i used to always reason out to him, (being  a mother of two is not an easy task plus i have errands to run) and as always, our misunderstanding often ends to a huge fight. He calls me names, i call him names too. The kids always see us fight and that's what really crushes my heart. The kids are crying while we wrestle around. I really try my best to talk to him as calm as possible but things always dont go my way. he is very hot tempered, wouldn't even laugh to my joke, when he is with his friends, he is a totally different person. i can see that he is mean only towards me, he even torments the child psychologically by telling the boy(jeean) i don't love them which, of course make him cry.

There was never a time that we go out that we didn't had a fight. he easily loses his mood when he feels tired about the kids. my elder son is so clingy while the other one is hyperactive. Going up and down of the escalator , jumping and running around, so he really needs more attention. At the age of 4, he still doesn't speak and that's what worry me too much. And it seems to me that his father is not even worried about it. He always tells me that there's nothing g to worry about, its too early to tell if he is autistic or not, but i keep on telling him that early detection is better but he didn't listen to me. One of my main goals is to have money to have my son checked. It just hurts that you know your son needs professional help and people just laugh at you and think you are paranoid. Have i had my own money and job, i already had him checked. But im a full-time mom and wife and my husbands earnings is not that big to be able to pay the doctor.

I was not a demanding wife, he doesn't even give money to me, he just buys what we need and i don't know where the rest of the money goes. Now i decided to leave him because cant swallow the things he does to e any more. From the morale-wrecking words to the things he does to me physically. I thought i hAD TO leave him while i still have sanity left in me, while there's still tiny speck of respect for myself, or maybe love for myself. I know I didn't deserve what he did to me, no one does, i know i can do better, and im better off alone, without him.

Now, i decided to continue my studies and im on my junior year in college. Everything i do is for my children but of course, there are prices to pay. I cant go to school if the kids are with me, like i said earlier my youngest son needs attention more than any child his age, and, my elder son is already studying. i felt they will be well taken care of if they are in their fathers care since he didn't have to do anything. Its only two years. one and a half year more to go and we will be together once again. i know nothing compares to a mothers care but its only little sacrifice, the fruit of it will be the sweetest if the right time i comes. i just pray that nothing will ever hinder me from being successful, or i wouldn't encounter a problem that i cant handle. i know there wont be, coz God is with me.

looking back, living up to someone else's expectation took me a long way, but its not all that bad, had he not did those things to me, i would not be able to realize my worth, and the things i can possibly do. thanks to him though, even if i endured all the possible hurt in the world, still he made me a stronger person.