im over it..

Living up to someone else's expectation has been my drama for the last five years of my life. Always anxious to do things perfectly and completely, this situation caused me too much stress that i resorted to stress-eating. I was not aware that every time i hear those unpleasant words, i tend to eat more. Later did i realize that i was gaining too much weight,but i don't notice it, I see my self as the same person, then one day I realized I was becoming larger than I was, bulging belly and layers of fats everywhere.Before, when I shop for clothes, I never try them because I thought I know my size perfectly, only to realize when I get home that its too small for me. I don't look good on clothes anymore, I started losing my confidence. I really think of my self as ugly mother who forgot to take care of herself.

I felt insecure about everything just because of how I look, my family says I look better when I'm fat, but seriously, I doubt it. I think it was my husband who made me insecure, because he always shouts at me, always complaining about everything, from how I do the laundry to my very looks, he says my ears are like side-mirrors, my chin is too long, my legs are too big(muscular), even calls me stupid, like i dont know anything at all, or i can never do things the right way. Before, i used to always reason out to him, (being  a mother of two is not an easy task plus i have errands to run) and as always, our misunderstanding often ends to a huge fight. He calls me names, i call him names too. The kids always see us fight and that's what really crushes my heart. The kids are crying while we wrestle around. I really try my best to talk to him as calm as possible but things always dont go my way. he is very hot tempered, wouldn't even laugh to my joke, when he is with his friends, he is a totally different person. i can see that he is mean only towards me, he even torments the child psychologically by telling the boy(jeean) i don't love them which, of course make him cry.

There was never a time that we go out that we didn't had a fight. he easily loses his mood when he feels tired about the kids. my elder son is so clingy while the other one is hyperactive. Going up and down of the escalator , jumping and running around, so he really needs more attention. At the age of 4, he still doesn't speak and that's what worry me too much. And it seems to me that his father is not even worried about it. He always tells me that there's nothing g to worry about, its too early to tell if he is autistic or not, but i keep on telling him that early detection is better but he didn't listen to me. One of my main goals is to have money to have my son checked. It just hurts that you know your son needs professional help and people just laugh at you and think you are paranoid. Have i had my own money and job, i already had him checked. But im a full-time mom and wife and my husbands earnings is not that big to be able to pay the doctor.

I was not a demanding wife, he doesn't even give money to me, he just buys what we need and i don't know where the rest of the money goes. Now i decided to leave him because cant swallow the things he does to e any more. From the morale-wrecking words to the things he does to me physically. I thought i hAD TO leave him while i still have sanity left in me, while there's still tiny speck of respect for myself, or maybe love for myself. I know I didn't deserve what he did to me, no one does, i know i can do better, and im better off alone, without him.

Now, i decided to continue my studies and im on my junior year in college. Everything i do is for my children but of course, there are prices to pay. I cant go to school if the kids are with me, like i said earlier my youngest son needs attention more than any child his age, and, my elder son is already studying. i felt they will be well taken care of if they are in their fathers care since he didn't have to do anything. Its only two years. one and a half year more to go and we will be together once again. i know nothing compares to a mothers care but its only little sacrifice, the fruit of it will be the sweetest if the right time i comes. i just pray that nothing will ever hinder me from being successful, or i wouldn't encounter a problem that i cant handle. i know there wont be, coz God is with me.

looking back, living up to someone else's expectation took me a long way, but its not all that bad, had he not did those things to me, i would not be able to realize my worth, and the things i can possibly do. thanks to him though, even if i endured all the possible hurt in the world, still he made me a stronger person.

Self-Reliance

"No man is an island" is one of the most used sayings in the world. They say man alone could never live. We need our fellow human because we are all interrelated with each other. Yes, that's true, but it doesn't mean that you are going to rely all our decisions to others. You must only ask for some advice or opinions and use it to weigh things.you cant really avoid when the time comes that no one listens to you. It feels like the world is turning its back on you and that's probably the hardest rejection a man could ever experience. But behold: you still have yourself. God gave you wisdom and brain and you should use it for your own good. Why do you think Gave each of us brains if you are not going to use it anyway?

When the time of problem comes and you have no one to lean on, don't worry nor be frightened. Hey, don't you trust yourself? You can make it . You only need to maintain yourself as morally complex and spiritually tough. Be strong. You must accept your weaknesses and strengths. You know yourself best. You must first accept and know yourself before others can. Express who you really are. If others are happy, then go on. If not, its not your problem anymore.

Here's the catch, it doesn't matter what others might say or think about you just as long as you know what you are doing, and you know it is right, no matter what they say to the contrary. Its a cinch that if there are things that they don't like about you, there are also things that you don't like about them. Its just a matter of accepting each others weaknesses and strengths.

Self reliance, a single word but conveys a lot of meaning. It is a useful tool in improving your personality. And it simply means courage. Courage to accept, to take risk and to take responsibility for the consequences of you decisions. Love yourself for you are a masterpiece of God.

haiku

Religion

Caused war on mankind,
in customs and in beliefs
each are different.




"Wondering Soul"

One sunny summer
the flower of hope withered
only God knew why.

..what if?..

what if i am somebody else?
would i be as happy as i am right now?
what if i was born rich?
would i ever encounter these difficulties?
what i was beautiful, sexy and a real hottie?
would anybody reject me?
what if i have everything?
would it be enough to content me?
what if this world would suddenly burst?
who would i save?
my loved one?
or my family?
what if i was torn between two lovers?
who would i choose?
the one who loves me?
or the one i love?
what if i die?
would anybody cry?
would anybody miss me?
what if i wake up trapped in someone else's body?
would they still recognize me?
what if i was every mans dream?
would i still go for the one i love now?
or for those better guys?
what if i am a rock star?
can i leave the life that I'm used to?
what if i am a goddess?
would they worship me?
what if i am enchantingly beautiful?
would they love me for who i am?
or for the beauty that every girl wished to possess?

"la vita e bella"

'Life is Beautiful" is indeed a very good movie, it inspires me because it talks about a man who, despite of all the problems he encounters never gave up and he even just laughs about it.

He is Guido, a jolly man who happened to fall in love with a beautiful rich woman named Dora. Everywhere he goes, here comes this girl, they always met accidentally. He first saw her when he was riding a bicycle and hit her, since then he always eyed on her. Unfortunately, Dora is already engaged to a business tycoon, a very well-known rich man in their town. But Guido never gave up, he really gave his best shot to win the woman's heart. He did not fail. On the night of the engagement they managed to elope. Dora and Guido married and lived a peaceful life. They had a son named Joshua, a very smart cute and adorable little boy. He is very inquisitive that sometimes his father would tend to mend stories just to get rid of his silly questions.

Everything ran out smoothly until one day, the government imposed an order that all Jews must be put into prison. Guido and his brother and Joshua got caught. His wife wanted to go with them so the policemen let her. All the Jewish men were put in one room and so were the women. They it them work hard and only gave them a piece of bread for the whole day of labor. But still Guido gave it to his son. Guido made Joshua believe that they were there for a picnic and they are joining a game, that whoever earns the highest score shall win a tank, not a toy tank but a real one. Of course it fascinated Joshua, at first he enjoyed the game but as time went on he got bored and he wanted to go home. But its really not possible because little children were burned.

One day, a commotion happened. The Americans came to rescue the Jewish captives. Guido places his son i a safe place and ordered him not to go out until the entire place becomes quiet. He looked for his wife but a police caught him and shoot him. Joshua waited for his father . The place became quiet but his father didn't show. Joshua went out,an American policeman saw him and let him ride an the tank. Joshua thought that its still part of the game and he thought he is the winner. Along the way, the Jewish women were marching for refuge, Joshua saw his mother and the police give Joshua to his mother. Not so soon the Jewish community was freed and returned to their normal lives.

- The place and the characters are appropriate for their roles. The music is also fit to the emotions of the characters and it highly affects the "supposed to feeling"of the viewers. The movie really made me laugh when it is funny and it also made me cry. The story is very realistic and the place is really good. the setting really pictured out the exact scene on that time.

Flood( Story)

Fear and confusion covered the innocent angelic face of a six year-old girl, suddenly she wanted to collapse, she wanted to cry as loud as she could but no words came out when she saw their little nipa house totally broken. All she heard were the screaming of people around her. She felt so alone but nobody comforted her. She climbed on the roof of their neighbors house and the scene tore her heart. She saw her playmates and family carried away by the gushing water and being drowned. While others were saved by the rescuers, she screamed as loud as she could but it seems nobody heard her. Her small voice was overpowered by other voices.

Niñas eyes got wet when she saw the victims of flood. The tears in the eyes of the victims made her remember the tremendous disaster she experienced 20 years ago, when aa flood struck their village and killed almost everyone including her family and all of their properties. Fortunately, a couple who could not bear children found her end took care of her. now, she is a volunteer social worker who wholeheartedly helps the needy.

T'nalak

Different faces from different places flooded the busy street of Alunan Avenue. It was no ordinary day, because for the South Cotabateños it was the most awaited season of the year. The T'nalak festival is being celebrated every 11th-18th of July. For security reasons, vehicles are not allowed to pass on the said street(evening only). Mobile stores can be found on the sides of the street and were arrayed in an orderly manner. People from the neighboring municipalities of Koronadal ,which comprises the province, came here to witness the celebration. Each municipality has its own representative in the competitions. It only proves that the people of South Cotabato are very cooperative.

Apparently, the tourists were not disappointed with what they saw because during the finale night thousands of people watched and joined the celebration. T'nalak festival is designed to maintain the harmonious relationship between the tribes, despite the cultural differences, we became one because we had one goal; to promote tourism in our province. It is also the means that we can show that South Cotabato is resided by peace loving people. The festival also serves as a tribute to the most dominant tribe in the province, the T'bolis to which we owe our opulent treasures, like the clothes they weave which no one in this world can do better.